Happiness in the Unlikely
by Lord Vetinari
Summary: A touching ValmontJackie, albeit unlikely. A search for a rare artifact fuels the need for a specific sort of marriage.. And only Jackie's able to pull it off- and only with the help of his greatest nemisis...


Ok, first of all, I don't own JCA, of course. What I DO own, however, is this computer, a kickass printer, and a cockatiel by the name of Pwyll. Ok, that's done with.  
  
Second, this idea came to me in segments, like the beginning, the climax, and the end. (I know what climax means, and get your heads out of the gutter, you.) So, basically, I have the wire beginnings of the structure of the skeleton of the structure of how this story will go. I only know I have a few parts to get to, like connecting the dots, and the rest.. Well, it's against 'Da Rules' for authors to write on the spot, supposedly, but hey, like I care. It makes my works funny. ANYWAY!  
  
And, finally, YES, I DO realize that I haven't updated my Harvest Moon story for over a YEAR. I am working on it with as little as I have! If a person were to look at my stories and the erratic periods between the times I update them, maybe someone would notice- I have a hard time finishing what I start! So, please, don't be angry with me- I am trying!  
  
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*The room was dark, save for three candles that barely lit a small enclosure of which they laid in. A lone figure wrote close to the candles, huddling close for their light. Within this enclosure were several pictures of a single young man, most of which were most likely taken in surprise or unknown to the photos' subject, considering his poses. Along with these photos laid several newspaper excerpts, detailing the young man's work. In the center of the small, seemingly shrine-like area, laid a single, plain ring. The figure writing sighed, paused in contemplation for words, and then continued to write.*  
  
Well, of course I informed him that the correct word was 'tentacles'. But moving on, my dear diary, finally comes the reason for my purchase and use of you.  
  
I know that my time draws near. Every day, I feel the grains of sand slipping from my hands, and every night I dream of my horrendous death, different each time. If this is my fate, then let it be.. But let me live out my single dream first. Your purpose.  
  
I know that someday this piece of literature will fall into the hands of my obsession. So, in that knowledge, I will write my heart out, to let it finally be known by only him.. Only by the one I love. My days are numbered, and every hour that passes by I realize the potential lost that I could have had my one longing fulfilled. Even now, I know I could give myself in, or make some jurastic plan and run away with him.. only him.. but I know also that this is not how it is meant to be. Any attempt would be futile.. So if worst comes to pass, in death will my beloved learn of my feelings. Thus, diary, you are the written account of my love for this man, and that you are my backup plan- my will, if you want- that if I cannot tell him myself, you will for me.  
  
*Hey, boss?" a young red-head poked his head into the dark, dimly-lit room.  
  
"Yes?" The writer turned and replied.  
  
"It's two-thirty in the morning.. You really should get some sleep."  
  
"And what are you doing up so late?" The young man laughed, caught red- handed.  
  
"Well, you know how it is.. We're playing poker again. I'm about to whoop their snooty booties- wanna watch?" The writer laughed.  
  
"No, I think I'll heed your advice.. Thank you for your concern. Now, get some sleep yourselves.. We have a hard day ahead of us."  
  
"Yessir!" The young red-head left enthusiastically.  
  
The 'hard day ahead' was not but a blatant lie. It had been so long since he had even thought of doing anything slightly illegal.. His enforcers were finally back, but their power- the Dark Hand's power- was irreplaceably lost. It was now dusk for them all, and only so long before the factions of which made the D.H. so strong would turn on their owners like a pack of feral dogs and destroy them all, taking the power left for themselves. His end was nigh.  
  
"Enough.." He moaned, trying to lighten his own mood. "I'll find something to do." The only thing left was to tell Chan his feelings...*  
  
++++++++++++++  
  
Ah, the Chan residence. With old Chan, shy Chan, and young Chan. Oh, and that dog and the large guy, but those don't count since they're labelled on the tax papers as 'pets' anyway. Anyway, if we were to go into the San Fancisco-resided residence, we would first walk right into the door. Laughing at our foolish mistake, we open the door, of course, to be attacked by chi protection magics. But if we were somehow able to get past that, the pihrana poodles, and the killer attack llama, we would land smack dab into Uncle's Rare Finds. And here, we find many an Asian antiquity, dust, magic items, scrolls of all sorts, and more dust. And to go beyond that, we'd be going past the formidable large sign in large, bold Chinese print that translates to 'GO AWAY NO COSTUMER BEYOND HERE!' And, obviously, we would now be in the forbidden part of the store- the house part.  
  
Old Chan liked his privacy and his books, and all the wacky stuff that came with his magic spells, so he got the master bedroom and converted it to a bedroom/library/office. If we were to continue on and go upstairs to the smaller rooms, on our right we would immediately find the young Chan's room. Hers was one filled with many sports paraphenalia and weapons and posters of famous martial artists. (If we look closely, however, we can find a cleverly hidden mini-poster of Rainbow Brite for unknown reasons.) Young Chan is trying to sleep at this point of time, (it being three in the morning,) so we silently move out and into the room opposite in the hall, being that of shy Chan's. Always having suffered under the impression that he would be leaving his family's abode and going onto his work of archeology, his room was always a tidy mess that was easily packed up. Scattered around the room we find newspaper clips, rocks of many kinds and shapes, photos of digsites, and of course, no archeologist's room would be complete without a small shrine dedicated to The Apprentice.  
  
The large man and the dog stayed in a room together- being that of the laundry room. They were pets, after all. In here, we find a few homely touches- a washer, a dryer, a pillow for the dog, and a quilt for the man. Oh, and a few pictures of turtles along the walls. And moving on to more important things, we move to the end of the hall to the Room.  
  
The Room was where old Chan did his work, held the rest of his scrolls, practiced and taught magic, and where currently, a lot of noise was coming from.  
  
Jade rolled over in her bed. No matter what the position, or how hard she squished the pillow onto her head, the noise wouldn't go away. Wearily, she finally slumped out of bed and crawled her way to the door and into the hallway. The noises became muffled voices, but she couldn't make out what they were saying. Still curious, and filled with the ambition to make them shut up so she could finally go to sleep, she rolled her way into the Room.  
  
"...What silly demon would only appear at such a wedding??" Uncle bellowed to a wisp of smoke.  
  
"He goes by the name of Pili An." Came a familiar voice. "As to why he comes to this sort of event.. eh, it beats me."  
  
"But how..?!" Uncle yelled, his face contorted in confusion. "In China, men weren't allowed to marry each other! Even today!"  
  
"Well, perhaps it's only the situation now? Or in ancient, ANCIENT China they were allowed to? Or some demons are that way..?" A pause as the voice's owner thought. "Come to think of it, how the heck should I know?! Stop asking me!"  
  
"Now it's UNCLE'S turn to ask questions!" The cunning old Chan smirked. The recipient would have probably blinked in confusion for a bit, since he was already asking the questions. "Why would YOU tell US theeeeeeese secrets?" Jade, always curious, snuck behind Uncle ever so silently. Within the smoke was the hideous mug of- you guessed it- Daolon Wong. The old wizard scowled.  
  
"Ah, Uncle.. You really think that I have some sort of evil plan set up for you by telling you this and in turn expecting for you to act upon it to somehow fall into my cleverly placed trap?" No reply. Seeing that his 'cunning' failed, he continued. "Well, since my Dark Chi Warriors are now back in the hands of that.." he shuddered "FRUIT.. I have no one to.. 'pair' that way." Uncle slammed his fist against the ground.  
  
"And you expect Uncle to get OUR Jackie to marry some MAN??" The old Chan angrily threw a nearby vase at the cloud. Daolon ducked, even though it wouldn't have hurt him anyway.  
  
"I'm not saying your beloved nephew has to be the one to do it.. Maybe that fat tub of lard you use as an apprentice? Or just some willing ginuea pigs?" Another statue was chucked.  
  
"You want the demon! You go get the demon! Uncle will not go get it for you!" The old wizard looked hurt in a mocking way.  
  
"Ah, Uncle, you wound me! Look, I tell you not to somehow turn the tables into my favor.. This demon is not related to my current quests for the talismans. You see, he has the power of the Echidna of Eternity."  
  
"Then why you tell Uncle??"  
  
"Well, I know you wouldn't want that echidna to fall into my hands.. And I know that I can't do it without your help..." Uncle blew it.  
  
"AIIIIIIYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!" The whole Chan residence shook with the mighty roar of Uncle, waking up its inhabitants. "UNCLE WILL NEVER MARRY YOU!!" Daolon froze in shock, then horror, and hacked up a hairball.  
  
"What sort of blasphemy is THAT?!" Daolon was now visiably convulsing. "I would NEVER marry you! Where did you-?! I'm just saying it's now a race between us- whoever gets a gay couple to marry first. That Echidna of Eternity is mine."  
  
"But you never explained why you told Uncle..."  
  
"Let's say that you're my backup. Should I fail- somehow, that impossibly slim chance that I would- it's fully possible that I could just grab it after your couple gets it."  
  
"And if Uncle doesn't get a couple together...?" The old wizard grinned.  
  
"Who said I'm incapable of bringing my own couple together?" Uncle shivered in the imagery. "Anyway, I must bring some men together then. The race is on. Whoever gets the couple first gets the echidna. And after that, it goes to me! Good luck, old enemy!" With that said, his image disappeared and left only a smiley face until the cloud faded. Uncle, still in rage, took yet another artifact and tossed it. Upon sharply turning around, he came face-to-face with Jade.  
  
"AIYA!" The old Chan jumped three feet backwards. "Do not scare Uncle like that!" Jade laughed innocently.  
  
"I didn't mean to.. You and that old guy were arguing so loudly that you kept me up."  
  
"What WAS all that about, anyway?" A weary Jackie yawned, rubbing his messy hair. Uncle took a glance at him, and a flash went through his eyes.  
  
"Jackiiiiiiiiie!" Exclaimed his uncle. "No time to explain! You must take shower NOW and get dressed nice and tomorrow we have proposing to doooo!" With that, the older man shoved his nephew back into his room, much against the shy Chan's confusion.  
  
"Wha- What's going on??" Jade followed, very amused indeed.  
  
"From what I heard, we're going to have to get you married to a man."  
  
"WHAT?!" Uncle ravished Jackie's tiny closet and drawers. (For CLOTHES, you pervs!)  
  
"You expect to get engaged with these rags??" Clothes of all types within Jackie's posession were tossed carelessly onto the floor. The attack ceased suddenly when Uncle came across a close-fitting black leather petticoat, wrought with chains and patches. Shuddering and consciously shoving the oncoming thoughts provoked from such an outfit out of his mind, old Chan continued on his search for 'decent' clothes.  
  
"Why?! I'm not like that! Uncle, I don't love men!" A fancy black jacket and white shirt were shoved into his face.  
  
"Get dressed!"  
  
"It seems we're looking for this echidna.."  
  
"An ECHIDNA?! Uncle, you are marrying me to an echidna?!" Tohru filled the doorway, awoken from his slumber.  
  
"What's an echidna?" Uncle continued tossing garments to the floor.  
  
"It's an Australian mammal thingie that has a bunch of spines and lays eggs." Jade explained.  
  
"We're not marrying you to an echidna, silly nephew!" Uncle scowled, shoving a good pair of pants into Jackie's arms. "We're marrying you to a man so that we can get the Echidna of Eternity!"  
  
"What exactly IS that, anyway?" Asked young Chan.  
  
"Echidna of Eternity is a saaaacred artifact!" Old Chan explained. "It comes from China, in the turbulent times of the Shang dynasty! In a time of war, the forces if eeeevil attacked innocent villagers, raiding whole countries, until a great warrior by the name of Shilao Bo appeared, weilding the Echidna! Unable to fight back against the echidna's mighty powers, the forces of darkness retreated into a portal, which was then sealed by the echidna's powerful magic. And if Daolon Wong gets a hold of that echidna, all hell will break loose and those demons will be released upon this world!!" A revered silence followed.  
  
"But.." Jade finally spoke up, "How could that Shilao Bo guy have an echidna if it's native to Australia? And why would a demon who only appears at gay weddings have it? And didn't you just tell Daolon that you DIDN'T want to use Jackie for this??" Uncle replied with a sharp rap to her head.  
  
"No more time for questions! Look! The sun is rising! We need to get a ring and start engagiiiiiiiiiiiiing!"  
  
++++++++++++++++++  
  
It was morning. Valmont was slow to rise, having nothing to really get up for. There was no actual way of telling what time it was, since his new headquarters were based underground, save for the glowing clock to his left. Six fifty-four. Goody.  
  
This was a morning, and as all mornings were now, with his own clock ticking, just a painful reminder of how distant the one he wanted was. That somehow, he failed once again to bring Chan into his grasp, and the painfully obvious show of this was the lack of a certain Chan in his bed. The blond crime lord sighed, in the thought that if, indeed, Jackie were there, he would spend the morning gently caressing his form.. Holding him close.. Telling him how much he-  
  
"BOSS!" Finn's voice commanded unceremoniously. "DINNER'S READY!" The henchman suddenly dodged a chucked pillow.  
  
"It's seven in the morning- get your meals straight, you buffoon!" Finn grinned in his ignorance. "I'll be up- you startled me. Hang on.. I'll be out there in just a few minutes." Thankful that his enforcer was gone, Valmont rolled over in his bed, pillow squished onto his head. This morning was just yet another tormentuous day without Jackie..  
  
But suddenly the feeling dawned on him, like the first warm rays of the first spring sun onto the frozen grounds of a receeding winter. Today was going to be far different than most days.  
  
The Chan Clan (plus a Tohru) paraded through the streets, a sight to see. Jade was beeming, thoroughly amused at the prospect of her uncle being wed to another man just for an echidna. Tohru remained rather emotionless, since he was good at that, and Jackie, now dressed as finely as his wardrobe could allow, sulked and slinked along the sidewalk slowly. Uncle, as the opposite side of the spectrum, yelled and squawked, bell in hand, with a salesman's confidence.  
  
"Young man for saleeeee!" Cried Uncle. "Get your young maaaaan for saaleeeeee!" Jackie shrank, entirely embarassed. Spectators walking by turned their heads and gawked at the spectacle. "He cleans! He cooks! He fights!"  
  
"He can tell you more about old rocks and junk than you ever needed to know!" Jade chipped in.  
  
"And he comes with a complimentary kewpie doll!" Tohru added, waving the gift over his head.  
  
"Get your young maaan for saleeeee!"  
  
Despite having succeeded in making an Official Ruckus and confusing many spectators, the Chan clan had failed terribly in finding an owner- er, husband for their beloved Jackie. Even in the 'bad side of town', they had little luck.. in the male department, anyway. Women were drawn to Jackie like white on rice, but whenever any made an offer, Uncle would chase them away- literally. But now their luck would change dramatically.  
  
"Aw, c'mon, boss!" Chow pleaded. "Breakfast out would do you lots of good! When was the last time you had pancakes that Finn didn't burn?"  
  
"Hey!" The fiery red-head snapped. "It's.. uh.. cajun!" Ratso shuddered.  
  
"It tastes like burnt dirt though..." Valmont remained silent, clad once again in his green outfit and beloved hat. Today was going to be different, he could feel it.. but he didn't know how. The four Dark Hand members were strolling down the street casually, in spite of the dangers of being recognized or caught, but hey, this is a cartoon.  
  
"Look, I don't really feel like eating just yet.." Valmont finally replied. The other three were surprised.  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"But I thought it was your idea to go out for...?" The blond man shook his head and faced the kind breeze. He could feel the change..  
  
"There's something else I wanted." He replied.  
  
"Look, Uncle.." Jackie futiely pleaded, "Maybe there aren't any men here in San Francisco who would want me as their husband?" Uncle thwapped him mightly with the bell.  
  
"Nonsense! And if not here in San Francisco, then elsewhere! We cannot give up! Think of what part of the plot Daolon's gotten to!"  
  
/*Meanwhile, Daolon was making a 'practice wedding couple' using a lizard and a ginuea pig.  
  
"Now, ginuea pig!" Daolon commanded, "You will marry the lizard!" The ginuea pig looked up at his commander innocently. "Do not mock me! Marry the lizard!!" The lizard flicked his tongue and slithered onto the heater. The old wizard sighed, knowing that he was a long way off from making two men do this.*\  
  
"As far as we know, he's choosing out the flower arrangements!" Uncle convulsed. "Aiya! We can't let him get a hold of that echidna! We must find a willing male! Now!"  
  
"I believe I can solve that problem." A calm voice cooed. In tow were the three enforcers, thoroughly confused, following- of course- the Big V himself. A collective gasp rose from the Chan Clan.  
  
"Jackie not for sale!" Uncle suddenly and forcefully snapped, crossing his arms in an angry salesmanly manner.  
  
"Then what was that whole 'man for saleeee' thing about?" Asked Chow, using gestures of bell-ringing.  
  
"Ok, so we're looking for a guy.." Jade defended, "But a GOOD guy, not some lame ex-theif on the street!" The enforcers collectively winced, but Valmont kept his cool.  
  
"Shouldn't it be up to Mr. Chan as to whom he wishes to propose?" Jackie rose to speak up for himself, but then declined and looked away, half in a dreamy state of confusion and half in utter depression. A silence ensued.  
  
"Technically.." Tohru finally piped in, "We don't HAVE to use Mr. Chan for this, sensei.." Uncle whipped around, shocked. "I mean.." The sumo wrestler began, now a little nervous, "certainly we can find others.. I mean, Chow! Finn!" The two named perked up, surprised. "You two had a thing going! Why don't you two-" Before the enforcers had a chance to whip past their surprised and confused boss and pounce upon their former ally at his betrayal, Uncle gave a sharp two-fingered salute.  
  
"This is the ONLY WAY we can do this! It HAS to be Jackie, otherwise this fanfiction would be written in vain! And we don't want to waste three hours in the making of it over coming up with would-be solutions to a completely awkward situation that had no possibility of happening to begin with!!" Another pause, as no one seemed to understand the old man's words. Seeing that he was having no effect verbally, he whipped out a bone. "Here, boy!" Tohru's expression suddenly shifted from confusion to glee. "Get the bone, boy! Get it!" With a toss into the local market, chaos ensued as a sumo wrestler dove into piles of squash, but we won't get into details over it since it would detract from the main plot.  
  
"Chan.." Valmont finally started again, looking into the young man's eyes, "I see in your expression a large deal of reluctance.." No response. "Why exactly is it that they're trying to marry you off?"  
  
"We're looking for the Echidna of Eternity." Jade answered in her uncle's place. "So Daolon won't get it and wreak havoc here. Again." A flash seared through the crime lord's eyes.  
  
"And you would sacrifice your own family member's freedom for finding this echidna??" Although there were no signs of it within his expression, Jackie was internally confused- a little flattered, really- that his old enemy would stick up for him in such a time..  
  
"But.." Chow innocently asked, "You were always willing to give US up, sir.." Finn stared wide-eyed for a moment, and then took Chow to the side with a quick " 'Scuse us."  
  
"Chow!" He quietly hissed, "Don't you get what's going on??" The young man looked back and forth, trying to put two and two together.  
  
"Uh.. Valmont wants to get invited?"  
  
"No!" Finn exclaimed, hitting his comrade on the head. "Valmont wants to be his-!"  
  
"Best man!"  
  
"Nonono! You know, he's in-!"  
  
"Uh.. Some.. decorating class so he wants to work for the wedding?"  
  
"No! Listen to me! Look, when two dudes fall in love, they-"  
  
"Oh! I know that song!" Chow played the air guitar to the ancient song. "When a guy loves a girl, he takes her around the world! La la laaa.." Silence ensued from the random Beatles insert. "He wants to take the Chan newlyweds around the world, right?" A fight broke out. Valmont gave no heed, since this was a common occurance within his organization, and at this point he couldn't care less the cause of why. Ratso, however, slinked over silently to check out why his friends were tearing each other's hair out.  
  
"My point is.." Valmont continued, "It seems to me that for once you're the ones willing to give up a dear one for your cause.." Uncle looked away, although still retained his angry expression as Jade attempted to hide her guilt and Jackie still couldn't face his old nemesis. The blond man couldn't take his eyes off shy Chan. For once, he had the opportunity- shining in his eyes like the rays of the sun- He could finally get Chan, with little to no fuss! And yet, the sweet taste of anxious, oncoming victory came with a bitter taste that he was not familiar with- guilt. "Perhaps.." Valmont could no longer look at the Chans- his ultimate subconscious way of submitting for a business proposal. "Perhaps I.. could take the place of this 'husband'?" Jade was shocked, and made no attempt to hide it.  
  
"EW!" She ran to her uncle's leg and hugged it tightly. "There's no WAY we're going to let some guy like YOU take-"  
  
"Waitwaitwait!" Uncle chimed in. He paused, thinking quickly and carefully on the situation. There were no avaliable men who were willing to marry his nephew other than this man, it was a quick and easy solution, and if he played his cards correctly, he may be able to get the easier side of the bargain. "..How far are you willing to go?" Uncle finally asked. Valmont gasped slightly, looking around nervously and shifted uneasily.  
  
"Well, I'd.." He once more looked to Jackie. "I.." Once again he broke his eye contact, submitting once more- he was going to get the short end of the stick, but to him what little he would get was worth it. "What do you need of me?" Uncle hesitated to respond, when Valmont nervously continued. "I mean, I'll go as far as.." Jackie's face was turning white; the crime lord's loveinterest wasn't enjoying the thought of what he might say. "I'll go so far as officially marrying him, perhaps a couple kisses if required.. But nothing in bed!" A crackly old grin engraved itself into old Chan's face.  
  
"Perhaps Uncle has misjudged your intentions, evil boy?" He laughed. With a hearty pat on the back (which startled the Chan clan and the Dark Hand) the deal was sealed. "You and Jackie will marry then! As soon as possible! We need that echidna!" The blond man once again looked away, but with a faded expression of ecstasy- he finally got what he wanted! "But one more thing!" Uncle added, "Once we get that Echidna of Eternity, it's a divorce!!" Valmont's euphoria was battered. With a few false attempts at responding, he finally made one out:  
  
"..If it's what Mr. Chan desires." All time seemed to stop as all eyes turned onto Jackie. The archeologist never liked being the center of attention, which he had been since about three-thirty this morning, and now he finally had a say in what was going on- his own marriage!- and yet he could think of nothing to say!  
  
"I.. I.." Oh, please, Valmont mentally begged, please say I at least have a chance at making you happy in this.. "I'm surprised, Valmont.." Jackie began, despite being at a loss for words, "I'm surprised that you actually seem to care about what I feel- especially in the face of when my own family.." He trailed off, realizing he was treading on thin ice. And he blew it. The one chance he had to make his opinion known, the one chance he had at somehow stopping this whole mess, and he let it slip! It was sealed- Valmont would be his husband. An array of emotions surged through the young man, but none so much as a confused happiness. He didn't know why, but.. getting married, even if it was to Valmont, made him excited. (In the innocent, kid-going-to-Disneyland way, not THAT way! Jeez!)  
  
"Boss.." Chow finally started, (plus one black eye, torn clothes, and his glasses hanging off to one side,) "You.. You want Chan..?" Finn growled.  
  
"That's what I was trying to TELL YOU.." He sighed, letting go of the anger for some deeper, internal reason. "I hope you're happy, boss." The Irishman finally concluded. Ratso, swept up in the excitement, grabbed a close boquet of flowers from a nearby market stand and waved it above the engaged couple.  
  
"Hooray! Boss is going to get married! This is just like in Romeo and Juliet- Two warring sides, coming together at last in a happy marriage of love!"  
  
"They're not in love.." Chow explained.  
  
"And Romeo and Juliet died in the end." Finn added.  
  
"Oh." Ratso's enthusiasm was shot like a 10-foot target by grape shot. (You know, it's like buckshot, only for cannons like they used in the Civil War?)  
  
"..." Valmont started, "We're going to have to pay for that boquet now..." The henchmen only laughed and scratched his head in guilt, caught redhanded.  
  
/* Once again trailing onto Daolon's actions, we would find him moving onto bigger, more manlike organisms- a monkey and a cockatoo.  
  
"Okay.." He sighed, rubbing his forhead, "For the eleventh time.. Marry each other already." The monkey only started to pick through the cockatoo's feathers, eating any loose down he found. "Well.." Daolon moaned, "It's progress.." The cockatoo chased the monkey down the corridor, having had a feather accidently plucked.*\ 


End file.
